Joel

Do you know what existential ache feels like?

I’ve written on and off for about 14 years about whatever mood tends to find me, using picturesque language that has something to do with space stuff, the ocean, forests, darkness, cold, fire, and light.

At any rate, I remember as recently as 2018 when I sat naked on the shower floor and cried because of how lost I felt.

I wrote something in my “Undifferentiated Thoughts” journal about what it must feel like during the ensuing experience after having your heart literally torn from your chest.

I surmised the only difference between the lingering impact of emotional neglect plus bigger questions about existence/purpose, etc. and having your heart actually ripped out is that at least you get to die with the latter. (Sorry for being so graphic.)

So that ache…

…the one where you feel your mind swirling downward into itself like the moment (except on repeat) a boat realizes and accepts that it’s going over a roaring waterfall into who knows where.

In your heart and head it’s just as paradoxically turbulent and quiet.

I learned to understand that.

And the biggest action step I can give anyone who feels like that is simply START MOVING.

Your mind takes in new information when you move.

 If you move, your mind will assemble details.

And if you continue to move, the picture frame outlining the world that you wish would be different will begin to bend, crack the glass, and distort the image of your weariness.

… which then means your reality has shifted.

Practically speaking, you’ll have more conversations, see different places, and because of how the human brain works—just like with conspiracy theories, no joke—you’ll find your story changing little by little…

… until your dark season was “that time in your life”.

And then you will make sense of it too.