Meet our friend Kay Bela, Holistic Wellness Coach, Therapist, mental health speaker, world traveler and dedicated wife and friend sharing vulnerably her story of hope and healing.
The following story contains sensitive topics related to suicide and addiction that may be triggering to the reader. Please be aware of your own mental and emotional wellness and safety before continuing.
Hi, my name’s Kay Bela. I’m a Holistic Wellness Coach and Therapist, mental health trainer and speaker for conferences. I’ve travelled all over the world to over 13 countries doing various types of humanitarian work. I’ve been a high school English teacher, program coordinator at a busy non-profit, business owner of my current business as well as an Italian restaurant with my husband. I have a husband who loves me and a beautiful life…
You wouldn’t believe it— and most people don’t— but I have almost died by suicide on several occasions. Some more recent than others… within this last year.
My unhealthy mind was plagued with trauma related anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts. I also lost my brother to alcohol when I was 13 and drinking somehow seemed to make me feel I was closer to him.
I’ve shared my story all over the country and all over the world, but as I reflected on what I felt you most needed from me here in this blog, I felt the call to share my “hope” with you— my reasons for living. My “why” I kept going.
I know there are many of us out there, but I’m one of the rare vocal ones who has been to the edge and thought, “I could do it. It’d be over in a second” and then turned back and said, “no, let’s give this one more go” —Like a boxer that keeps coming back even after they’ve been beaten down.
But why? Why did I turn back? Why did I decide to keep going?
To be honest, I don’t always know what has kept me living and what has kept me fighting at my lowest times.
Sometimes it’s been pure luck. Sometimes it’s been someone fighting for me in my corner— even when I didn’t want them to. I’ve lived because of someone else’s hope.
But mostly I think it’s because I wanted to be writing this blog to you today.
I didn’t want to be another suicide statistic or have someone share my story for me.
I wanted to share my happy ending of hope.
I kept living because I felt strongly called to fight my demons and give other people the tools and courage to fight theirs.
I wanted to give hope to others.
As I took my journey toward healing, I also learned that my mind was attacking me, telling me things that weren’t true.
They felt true in that moment, but they weren’t true. This gave me hope that, if I could separate myself from my thoughts rather than believe all of them, maybe I could eventually bring my mind to a place of rest.
It wasn’t that I wanted to die, it was that I wanted a break from the chaos of my mind. It wasn’t that I wanted to die, I just didn’t want to keep fighting in a war I kept losing.
I sought the deeper reason and understanding of my suicidal thoughts so I could find hope in a potential solution.
If this is you today, here is what I wish I’d done and said to myself and maybe it will help you too:
I would’ve held space for myself and allowed her to feel what she needed to feel and been more patient with myself. I realized that behind my unruly mind and emotions was a scared little girl with a lot of deep emotional healing to do.
I would’ve warmly embraced her and helped her feel seen, heard, loved, listened to, and celebrated for all that she is and was. I realized that the more I tried to push away my emotions and tell myself not to feel them, the more they became bottled up and harder to regulate.
I would’ve laughed and joked with her in a way that said “you’re safe with me. I’m not here to judge or criticize you.”
I also would’ve introduced her to the awesome friends I have now and told her she could come here anytime she wanted or needed and no one would ever say— or make her feel like— she was too much or not enough. I realized I’d surrounded myself with unsafe people all my life— people who could never be pleased— so to me the world was unsafe. As I found safe people who liked me for me, the more I found it easier to like myself.
I would’ve gotten her connected to natural healing methods sooner. I realized that the power to heal my mind was at my own fingertips, I just hadn’t realized it or gotten connected to those who could help me discover them or how to use them for healing.
But above anything— and what I still remind myself of today— is that my life was not meant to be any different than it was. I went through everything within the sequence of events (and timeline) that I needed in order to get here today.
Every step, every lesson I learned— I could not have done it any other way and ended up in the same space. The time I learned things, the opportunities I took advantage of, the mistakes I made, it all brought me exactly where I needed to be today— writing this blog for you.
If you are living in shame or regret or obsessively ruminating about your mistakes, just know that these mistakes have brought you to exactly where you’re supposed to be at this moment in time.
Also keep in mind that the same mind that currently feels like it is attacking you may be trying to protect you and let you know that it feels unsafe and needs some deep healing and rest.
So I’ll leave you with this question and I can’t wait to read your comments:
What about you? What’s your hope? What keeps you going each day?
Kay offers a variety of resources and services through her Wellness business. Check it out HERE.